we (p.j. and i) were a gift. we were shipped to CA for the holidays and it has been overwhelmingly pleasant. philip’s family is a perfect balance of welcoming and critical. it is a real experience. his sister and brother in law have graciously housed us, not only with room and food but with the utmost engaging company. i enjoy my conversations with each of them and have even come to some conclusions to life choices that have been hovering above my head.

so, my previous convictions of the west have been swayed by a certain moment on a hill deep in the labs of ucberkeley. we were atop and i was moved.

we went to the pier/bay:

this time in the bay area contrasted with the last time i visited is drastically different. i was able to absorb the atmosphere and not be so emotionally moved where last time i allegedly created earthquakes in that ocean.

p.j. and i have been able to read. what a fucking concept. reading. i have finished two books and feel so good about just spending the day doing what i desire to do. i look forward to a less chaotic lifestyle. whereas, before i thrived on such a schedule chaos that mingled tangible activities with unstable interactions i feel much more balanced and organized. prepared, if you will.
here is me (a photograph by p.j. with his fancy pantsy gift ((coolpixs9)) from me of me)

we haven’t quite figured out why if we do not use the flash that every gosh darn picture is “blurry”. so this picture was a suggested “cover the flash with your finger and see what happens”. accidental expression is great.

also, this is just a small insight to my reverse graffiti project. magnets, left.

i am looking forward to coming home. i have been swayed by CA, but i miss the decay and sarcasm of the midwest. also, i get to go back to school and that is furthering a goal that is ten years in the making. ah, to complete something … will be plain nice.

it ebbs though. things come, heighten, wane… etc. lately it has been a lot of end/begin/re-appear etc.

i have taxed everything.

etc etc

but in the end i only need myself to justify my endeavors. is that enough?

i am losing touch with my meditative state. my “rights” just are not available. i searched for a guide to help me maintain balance and i was wrong in choosing this one. this is the story:

it was the person who actually reccommended the book that led me to be realistic and not sarcastic. it was a person that i really didn’t know all that well, however he had attachments to past relations. i felt like it was detatched enough that i could approach him with some questions about my path. maybe talk about how hard it is to live in this organism and not want to build a hut and hide there. living “right” would be sooo much easier. i would be true. so, i emailed and waited. i used the very medium that i was in criticism of. no response. and he comes into my work and then it clicks… ‘oh her, i totally forgot to email her back’. couldn’t anyone with sensibility read the vulnerability in my requests to meet up with him? he said he was sorry and that i should ’shoot him an email again’.

i am at a very confusing state. i am not searching for a doctorine. i am not searching. i am trying to balance, or at least really get to know the processes of balancing.

in artistic endeavors:

i was published last week in intake weekly, a very respectable publication in indianapolis indiana. i was asked to write a short word response on “indiana”. i tried my hardest to not be pessimistic, because i know how much everyone knows that i am the kind of person that acclimates with vigor in finding the most positive attributes to every environment. regardless, if you would like to see the writing and the visual response by the ever ever “mno” please look:

last weekend p.j. and i went to chicago. the museum route was a maaaaajor letdown. other than when we were leaving the field museum and they were closing and setting up fancy tables and lights and flowers i asked one of the lighting guys, “do you know what is going on here tonight?” and he responded, “dunno, some Burgeois party.” i loved that he could say that to me. we went on a rampage to find a lomo camera. we found that at d. blick on state. we got the one that takes eight photos on on frame. apparently you can go to the website and animate them. prettttty cool. so there is one in my gallery (toy kamera). and i will put one here for kicks. i hope that paulio doesn’t mind.

so, that is that. speaking of filler words, i was introduced to eddie izzard. my kind of funny. for example:

Eddie: Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire…so, that’s fun. And that’s funny. Because he was a mass-murdering f**khead!

in my boring boxes of days there has been heightened interactions with the others in the house. go figure. i like living alone. bottom line. and now i am consumed with the notion of the going away party. where maybe something else of mine will be broken. or maybe something else stolen. or better yet, i get to clean the whole fiasco up when i don’t even care. i am the kind of person who never has a going away party. it seems so contrived. ‘oh please come lie and tell me how important i am in your pub lives’… ugh. gross. and if by any chance i were to have a party it would be not in the compromising of my roomates. but i am the only one of four who actually cares. and i am the burden at this point, so i have no say. i could go on , but i am trying to regain the actions of letting it go. what it really comes down to is that my space is sacred. absolutely sacred. they treat their bodies and space as if it is unholy. i am romantic in my life. and by that i mean not many can comprehend why i make my space, actions, expressions, et al so meaningful and meaningless. i will just chalk this hypothetical party event up to meaningless.

i think that we are the world. we are the representation of our surroundings. all of it. this is all one organism. i don’t want to be symbiotic with this specific kind of organism. i made that decision a long time ago. why does it keep testing me?